Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan

News Columnist

By 2025, the average cost of a college education figures to be about one and a half million dollars per student, excluding tips and gratuities (1).

It’s become difficult for average American families to send their students off to even old State U without incurring crippling debt — but really, who cares about average American families, anyway?

Well, I do! That’s why I am opening up my own institution of higher learning, The University of Notre Corrigan — because I don’t believe academic institutions should be allowed to profit so obscenely from the aspirations of normal Americans who just want a sheepskin in order to raise themselves up by their bootstraps (or in the cases of those on athletic scholarships, by their jockstraps, an even more dramatic maneuver.)

That is why I will charge only a million dollars per student, and will even provide special discount rates for those who can silent-read. The smart ones shouldn’t be so difficult to teach and, in fact, with my faculty, most of whom are cartoon characters, a few of them students may end up doing some teaching themselves. But I guarantee everyone will get a diploma, and maybe a free t-shirt with the college’s name on it, at graduation. That’s more commitment than you’ll get from some of your so-called “better” universities (2).

Since the point of a college education came to be to “get a good job,” the cost of a year at university has risen steadily. The bargain has been “Pay us now, and somebody else will pay you even more later.” There used to be room in the middle class for middle management types, and even for people who wanted to use their educations in ways that actually helped people, and not corporations, which only the Supreme Court thinks are people. Recently, though, the world economy has caught up to the college-educated American and pinned him in a headlock, and so a worker in India now will undertake a decent-paying technical job for a salary far cheaper than any American worker would consider. In fact, for every good American job opening posted there are, on average, 3,186 applicants, some of them qualified (3).

A lot of highly-technical jobs do go begging, however — and that’s because all Americans plan to earn lots of money, they just don’t want to have to learn anything to prepare to earn lots of money. That’s where the colleges come in. Around 1998 or so, institutions of higher education stopped teaching real courses and began setting aside their freshman years for Remedial Reading, Fifth Grade Math and Pretend Science (4).

At the University of Notre Corrigan, we offer courses designed to train you for the world of work, and we make no bones about it. Selections from our syllabus:

Math 202: Dr. Julius Hibbert, MWF 10 a.m. Students will learn how to recognize two-digit numbers and how to draw their figures, 0 to 9, by hand.

Nuclear Operations: Prof. H. Simpson, OJT, 9 to 5, M-F. Learn how to handle plutonium without dropping any on the floor, or how to file the correct forms if you do. (Students must provide their own radiation suits.)

Culinary 601: Prof. Frye, MWF, 7 a.m. Prepares students to pass the rigorous application process for jobs at Burger King and McDonald’s. (Students hoping for a job at Wendy’s should plan on taking Cu 602 as well.)

Wal Mart 711: Prof. Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, open 24 hours. Students will prepare to stock, stack and sticker at America’s largest employer. Learn to pursue and take down shoplifters by downloading a special Wii game, “Wal Mart/Halo4: Greeter’s Station.”

Lit 216: Prof. S. Lee. TuTh, 11 a.m. Covers Superman to Spiderman.

Drafting 407: Prof. S. Lee, TuTh, 12 noon. Covers Superman to Spiderman.

As you can see, with its mix of vocational and academic courses, our college will be well worth your time and money. Log on today (5)!

Footnotes: (1) My estimate. (2) It’s true! (3) Ibid. (4) At Harvard, Pseudo-Science (5) Sucker!