Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan
BN Columnist
Homeland grants to Maine schools
Homeland Security has announced its 2015 grants to the nation’s middle and high schools.
Homeland Chief D’Arcy Snogg noted that the expanded academic programs are beneficiaries of cutbacks in ongoing police department militarization across the land, a funding program which has grown more controversial now that SWAT teams regularly show up during routine traffic stops and to provide security at church picnics and bingo.
“Almost every police department worth its salt has a tank or missile system already in hand, anyway,” Snogg said. “So now, it’s high time we made our schools safer, so that students can study in a relaxed learning environment. We believe test scores will go up if kids know they are secure.”
Maine will get two billion dollars in federal aid for school security measures next year. Top awards:
Portland, $236 million for Patriot missile installations. These are deemed necessary because…
…Deering High will receive $187 million in hand-held and mobile rocket launchers and medium-range missiles. Also in the cards for Deering: 27 extra buses, to be used to deport illegal aliens during Driver’s Education sessions, once Congress passes its version of an immigration bill.
Maine School of Science and Math: $155 million to reopen Loring Air Force Base, to be used as an airfield for intercepting possible Russian, Canadian and Madawaskan overflights up in The County.
Locally, Lake Region Middle School will get $20 million in poison gas and chemical warfare canisters, to provide riot control measures during the Four on the Fourth road race and the Sunday night band concerts on the Naples Green.
Fryeburg Academy will receive $16 million for grenade launchers and small arms, and an equal amount to provide a student-led Border Patrol. Because nobody trusts New Hampshire.
Government does not shut down, Congressmen at a loss for words
House Majority Leader John Boehner couldn’t explain last week how the federal government got funded, as obligated by the U.S. Constitution.
“There was some sort of last-minute compromise, or something. I still don’t understand it,” he said.
Lame Duck Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, as usual, has no idea what happened, either. “Most years, it takes weeks longer for us to do our mandated duty,” Reid observed. “But at least we managed to screw over the economy again, by loosening the derivatives rules for Wall Street. That means we can look forward to a financial meltdown right around… 2018. And that means that my party will get in again in 2020 — provided there's a country left to govern by then. Whatever, as long as we get in.”
President plans operation
President Barack Obama has contacted the same plastic surgeons, who worked on Michael Jackson so successfully. “I expect folks will actually listen to what I’m saying, if I can just get myself a lighter complexion,” the president explained. “I may also get my ears repositioned, so I can better hear what everyone else is saying. That’s only fair. Like I always say, I may be a lame duck, but it’s never too late to change.”