Mike Corrigan

The following interview was conducted by Mike Corrigan during a long bus trip from Lewiston to Portland. (Wrong turns.) Since the topics covered have nothing to do with immigration, Lindsay Lohan, Benghazi or Obamacare, and also because of the exorbitant price asked (two for $2.99 with coupon), no other media outlet wanted to print the interview. But The News has never been afraid to print the truth!

By Mike Corrigan,

Mike: Good day, sir. Fancy meeting you on this bus.

Vladimir Putin:

Mike: I see you are tense and irritable. To put you completely at ease, I also will take off my shirt. (Removes shirt; screams are heard, and high-pitched keening; police sirens wail). But, unlike you Russians, I refuse to remove my hat. The poor man’s toupee, as we men of the world say, right? (Winks)

Putin:

Mike: Well, enough small talk. What’s this I hear about the, uh, Ukraine, is it? I don’t know where it is myself, but I understand the Ukraine is a country that is not the United States, and therefore irrelevant. Why bother invading such a Nowheresville?

Putin: We do not invade anyone. Those are tourists. Well-armed tourists.

Mike: I believe you, but Europe does not. They have seen such tourists before.

Putin: We promise we will not invade Europe, if Europe promises not to invade Russia by bringing NATO to Ukraine.

Mike: Why should anyone kowtow to the leader of a second-rate power that doesn't even have the strongest army in the world?

Putin: Perhaps this will educate you. (Presses red “That Was Easy” button. Czechoslovakia disappears.)

Mike: Sweet! Can you do that to Congress and the White House?

Putin: Yes, but I choose not to. Washington is playing into my hands already, by urging another Cold War.

Mike: Oh that. It’s our secret plan to increase defense spending back to traditional unsustainable levels. Because, you know, every single thing America does must be unsustainable, or we couldn't pretend we were really trying.

Putin: Americans are fools. You are a fool.

Mike: Thank you, sir. Well, enough about World War III. A personal question: Are you really Vice President? You know, V.P.? Vladimir Putin? VP? Get it? (Winks)

Putin: What is wrong with you?

(Servant climbs down from storage compartment bearing a silver tea service and sterling samovar, stuffs valuables in a sack, stashes sack behind driver’s seat.) 

Servant: (Offering a bottle of Schlitz…) Brewski, anyone?

Mike: Edward Snowden, releaser of national security documents and fugitive from injustice, is that really you?

Snowden: (finger to lips) Shhh, even the window seats have ears!

The News cannot verify the accuracy of this report. We will willingly print any factual corrections, retractions or even extra punctuation marks that Mr. Putin may suggest, because there is no reason to push that red button in the direction of the News office. No, no reason at all. (The KGB and CIA “contributed” to this 411. Also, YOU are being monitored right now. Smile and nod. We SAID, smile and nod. That’s better. Now, go about your business.)