Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan

BN Columnist

It’s high time we impeached the president, unless we already did that and I missed it. During the Congressional recess, impeachment is crowding out every other subject, including even the issues of building a 50-foot wall around the entire United States, or what to do with Syria, or remembering to ask an aide, which one is Syria, or even building a 50-foot wall around Syria, if it turns out to be one of our states after all.

Yes, impeachment of the president is the hot subject during town hall meetings that legislators are holding in various places that still have town halls all across this great land where the flag waves proudly over the purple grain and majestic fruit, and where all that people ask of their Congresspersons is a 550-foot wall to provide adequate cover for the coming End Times, so that militiamen will gather with their muzzle-loading muskets and pitchforks to hold off the government agents who have been electronically monitoring their toasters for years.

In Michigan, Congressman Kenny Berntivolio recently related to constituents the heartwarming story of how impeaching the president would be — and I quote him here with a catch in my own throat — “my dream come true.” Bernitivolio said he hadn’t thought up any charges yet, but he had worked up a few good leads. He said that maybe “someone more qualified,” such as a Congressional page or perhaps Glenn Beck’s hairpiece, could come up with something more convincing, as he feels a little discombobulated lately due to the fact that his toaster is no longer speaking to him. It isn’t just our House members who have been thinking really hard about this pressing issue. U.S. Senator Tom Coburn told a town meeting in Muskogee, Okla., as well as all the Okies gathered there to sing country songs in congratulatory self-deprecation, that he did not have “the legal background” to know whether President Barack Obama had actually committed high crimes and misdemeanors. However, Senator Coburn apparently did scrape up the legal wherewithal to note that the president is “getting perilously close.” (Apparently, hallucinating more specifically, he then held a garlic bulb in front of him and said, “Back, Satan!”) Taking comfort in the knowledge that the Senator is almost on firm legal ground then, we can all sleep safe in our beds or safe under our cardboard boxes, or wherever it is we are safely sleeping in these tremendous times in this great country where everything would be perfect if not for our Constitution-hating chief executive and his unconstitutional, faking-left-and-going-right regulations.

Clearly, Republicans who have listed impeachment Number One on their summer wish lists haven’t thought this thing through, because if they successfully impeached Mr. Obama then Joe Biden would be president. Joe Biden! I imagine that would be a little like Alexander Haig assuming command of the Nixon White House, only with more preemptive nuclear strikes against political enemies, and definitely way more preemptive nuclear strikes against political allies.

Sure, just talking about impeachment is a lot of fun, and wishing really, really hard for our dreams to come true is very American and all that, but even Democrats don’t want Joe Biden to be president. Congress should probably just quit while they’re ahead. Yeah, that’s it, Congress should just quit. Though it’s unlikely that anyone could tell the difference between this particular Congress when it is seated and the one that is still back at district town meeting, dreaming its wonderful dreams of freedom, and liberty, and a fat Koch Brothers check to buy yet another term of paid vacation.

Mike remembers town meeting, but they didn’t seem as exciting in those days.