On the dark side of the sun: Luddite in training

Mike Corrigan

Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan

News Columnist

I have decided to change my religious orientation to somewhere just south-southwest of Orthodox Luddite. This path promises character-building hardships and also should ensure the universal scorn of my luxury-loving countrymen.

As a card-carrying citizen of the Sixteenth Century, I won’t have to pretend at parties that I covet the newest features of the latest iPhone, or complain that I’d have to exchange it next week anyway for the iPhone74vii, which they say comes with an anti-aircraft app. (Also, the 74vii is said to have “a minty, fresher taste,” but I wouldn’t know.)

As a Luddite, my initiation services will require me to enter insurance offices and blow up the computers, but a little creative lawbreaking is good for the soul. And the advantages of not actually living every moment in the modern world are too many to be listed — briefly glimpsing sanity comes to mind. As a confirmed Luddite:

• I will never have to learn to text, and thus crash my car because the arthritis won’t allow me to hit the “6” three times fast, which the kids tell me is an “o.” (Back in my day 6-6-6 was The Number of the Beast, but times change.) Anyway, just to be on the safe side, I have also sold my car.

• No TSA searches. I refuse to get on a plane in any case, because I long ago realized that if God had wanted us to fly we would have been there by now.

• Back when I was modern and not a proto-Luddite, I used to write modern poetry, but I have given that up for rhyme and meter and now I write verses actual people can understand! Unfortunately, now that everyone’s connected and talking all the time I know only virtual people, so 100% reading comprehension times zero actual readers is still zero.

• Since I have taken off my carbon shoes, I no longer feel guilty about the size of my carbon footprint.

• The Shakers keep sending me sign-up forms. At least they make me feel wanted. Their registration letters begin, “Hey, Hot Stuff!”

• I have been able to retrofit my apartment with simpler, back-to-nature appliances. For example, merely by opening the window I saved two dollars last month, as my litter box cleaning system is now wind-powered.

• The best part is, I never waste a second worrying about getting my identity stolen anymore — because, after all, who in his right mind would want to be me?

In my continuing quest to completely reject modernity, I have applied for a part-time job with the Spanish Inquisition, but I have yet to hear if I’ve been hired. But no, I will not send a “follow-up text.” Back, Satan!

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