Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan
BN Columnist
Nostradamus lived in either the 13th or 14th century, in Spain or Italy or France, and he made a lot of predictions in the form of vague assertions, under the influence of powerful mind-altering drugs. In fact, his most definite prediction seems to have been, “In the future, in a place called Hoddywool, people will document vampires roaming the streets and space aliens. Plus, we will all be using jet packs by then. lol.” You can see how close Nostradamus came there, but still. Most of his “predictions” involve nothing more than suggestive metaphors, such as: “In the Land of Constant Noon, sheets will be used to cover bodies” — which modern seers take as a statement about either catastrophic global warming, or the widespread use of burkas in the Sahara. That’s the trouble, of course; the man can be hard to pin down.
Few people realize that Nostradamus made one precise prediction for every year throughout human history — which ends in 2017, if you must know. Let’s look at his record.
1815-16: Hot spell, then clouding up. Rain, turning to snow late. Indoor plumbing benefits England. While modern Mainers might interpret the first part as just a normal weather report for the Memorial Day weekend, it’s actually a cleverly worded prediction of the eruption of Mount Tambora, a supervolcano in the East Indies, which generated the famous “Year Without a Summer” across the United States and much of Europe. The reference to “indoor plumbing” has been interpreted as a reference to Napleon's Waterloo (Et, voila: water-loo!) Grade: A
1848: Marksmen fire on crowds in the West; Angels provide capital remedies. The democratic worker revolutions of 1848 in Europe are clearly referenced here, and a special bonus must be allowed for veiled allusions to “Marx” and “Engels.” Grade: A—
1948: Dewey Beats Truman! Good grief! How wrong can you be? Grade: F
1980: The Sun rises in the East once more. Veiled reference to Ronald Reagan’s “It’s Morning Again in America”? Grade: B—
Okay, a mixed bag, though pretty good for a guy working without weather satellites.
Well, you’re wondering what Nostradamus predicted for last year.
2014: A comet will hit earth. Well, close. Humankind did manage to land a probe on 67P/Churyumov in 2014. (Nostradamus might have been more specific, but he clearly thought “Churyumov” was a typo. In fact, it might well be.) Grade: C+
Sure, you argue, anyone could predict what happened in 2014, now. What about the coming year?
2015: I, Nostradamus, predict that in 2015, there will be …(static) and …of great proportions in… over a million deaths… extinctions. Also, cell phone reception will be terrible. On the entertainment front… (static) anyone over eight years of age.
Yet another warning about global warming. Either that, or a heads-up about a calamitous short circuit at Sprint. The last sentence probably references the fact that not in human memory has Hollywood released a movie that hasn't been based on a comic book or a cartoon. Might there be one in 2015? If so, maybe there's hope for humankind yet!
We predict that, despite overwhelming calls for justice, Mike Corrigan will continue to remain at large in 2015.