Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan

BN Columnist

Most Americans think the news is just too complicated. Because, really, where or what is “Syria”? Is it a new kind of artificial sweetener? A rebel solar system in Star Wars XII: The Return of the Revenge of Part XI? And also — Assad, Osama, Obama, Saddam — how is it that all the people in the news these past few years can be identified by the same three diphthongs? It’s not normal.

I am here to help. Corrigan’s Handy Dandy Guide to Where the Heck Everything Is will change the way you think about the news, or my name isn’t Walter Cronkite…

Across the globe this week, there are a lot of key crisis points, or “hot flashes,” as we call them in the news game. In the future, if you hear a news report from a foreign land and you don't know where the heck those people are, just refer to this guide.

1. The U.S. You Are Here. Land of the Free, etc. At least get this part down. (If nothing is happening in America this week, it’s because Congress is in session.)

2. Colombia. Source of 90% of the world’s cocaine. For the last 30 years, the United States (this is where you are) has spent tens of billions of dollars supplying small arms and police and paramilitary support to one side or the other in Colombia. Nobody loses, except for the American taxpayer — and tens of thousands of dead, innocent bystanders in Colombia.

3. Mexico. Source of 90% of the world’s undocumented Americans.

4. Brazil. They don’t like us anymore in this largest of South American nations, since we spied on Petrobras. (As the name suggests, Petrobras is a company that makes oil-based lingerie.)

5. France. Supposedly an ally of You Are Here, France since 1787 has gotten along with us only in years ending in xx45. Spain despises us too. And Italy spits on our grave. We are spying on all of these European allies, just because we can.

6. Germany was our enemy in World War I and World War II. Just remember that the Germans are our friends now, too. Except that we got caught spying on them, as well. But they aren’t complaining much about it, mindful that we also have drones.

7. Russia, formerly the USSR. This is where Edward Snowden lives now. Snowden used to spy on everyone for the NSA. Then he told everyone that he was spying on them and suddenly he became very unpopular overnight, so Vladimir Putin took him in, because Putin knows what it feels like to be hated in your own country.

8. Syria. The United Nations is currently trying to rid this tinderbox Middle Eastern nation of its stockpiles of “artificial sweetener.”

9. China. This is where your neighbor’s job is today, because he refused to work for 83 cents an hour. That zany neighbor, a typical lazy American worker on his couch scarfing down bon-bons and cashing those million dollar unemployment checks!

9.5. Japan. Here in eastern Asia the failed Fukishima nuclear power plant is still threatening to melt down to the earth’s core. You really have to start paying more attention to the news.

10. Alaska. Sarah Palin is a former governor of Alaska, a land which 150 years ago was owned by 7., until bought by 1. (the Louisiana Purchase), before gaining statehood (the Iditerod) in 1959. Gov. Palin claimed she could see Russia across the strait, or across the bike path, or whatever that thing is, but she promised not to spy on the country. Vladimir Putin said he wouldn’t mind if Sarah Palin spied on him, but that's just him.

Mike says there are other countries in the world, too. Check Wikipedia for confirmation.