Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan

BN Columnist

What’s wrong with people, anyway? I thought I would investigate. In fact, I did investigate, which may explain the clicking sounds on your phone and those obviously fake moose tracks leading up to your dining room window and then abruptly ending, as if the “moose” attempted to leave the area in a jet pack and got stuck in your oak tree — which in turn might explain why it sounded like the acorns were whimpering and swearing softly most of last weekend.

So, here’s the first thing that’s wrong with you: Americans will believe anything before accepting the most obvious explanation. You don’t know how many weeks I’ve turned to the police blotter to find someone complaining about whining acorns, sobbing leaves or just “vague, haunting murmurs and moans coming from somewhere up in the sky over my house” — as if people had never heard of jet packs, advanced surveillance techniques or even Blackhawk Down.

Here are three other things you’ve probably gotten completely wrong, according to my intense research:

1. If only you made another $25,000 a year, right? A few years ago, a survey was taken of American heads of family. Guess what? The people who were making $40,000 a year thought everything would be great if only they made an extra $25,000 a year. The families pulling down seventy-five grand thought another $25,000 a year would solve all their problems. The ones making $125,000 — well, they needed an extra $25,000 to get by. You may not have noticed the pattern developing here, so I’ll spell it out for you: you’ll never be satisfied. Never! No matter how much you get, you’ll always want more.

This is a problem easily solved. Take a vow of poverty. Give away all your money! Graciously, I will hold it for you while you get your priorities in order. Send it (hundreds only, please) to Mike Corrigan, General Delivery, Lewiston ME 04240. You can be confident it will be put to good use in the interim, or for the next 22 years, whichever comes first.

2. You think other people have too many rights while yours are constantly being eroded, or at least strongly weathered. Do you really think that the government, which doesn’t give a crap about anybody but is just kind of there, is busily concocting elaborate schemes to take away your gun while ensuring that someone else it doesn’t care a tinker’s dam about either, gets to keep theirs? Please notice two salient facts which disprove your theory: first, you still have your gun; second, so does everybody else these days, including your grandmother and your granddaughter — and if those two don't have a gun, a selectman will come personally to your home to shoot them, as an example to the community.

Besides, the real problem with rights is our whacked-out Supreme Court and increasingly draconian legislation like the Patriot Act, all of this aimed at leaching away everybody’s rights, except the big money’s (see: the No Millionaire Left Behind Act). I’m just saying, because the next time someone gets stuck in your oak tree, it won’t be me… Not that it was me the last time… Though it wouldn’t kill you to mow your back lawn once in awhile.

3. And another thing. You got all upset when the Taliban shot that 14-year-old Pakistani girl in the head for suggesting females should have an actual life, didn’t you? — but then you didn’t really give a crap when the president of the United States sent a drone missile into Pakistan which killed a four-year-old girl, among other people, the majority of the dead innocent bystanders. Why did the four-year-old have it coming to her, while the 14 year old is considered a victim of political violence? What would happen if the president of Pakistan fired a drone into the United States and killed a four-year-old girl? Would you like to define terrorism for the rest of the class, Slick? Is it only terrorism if somebody does something bad to you?

Now, I’m not saying it’s you who has gotten these three things wrong — but if it is you, wise up. Because you never know when a moose might fall out of the sky and crush you like a bug. (And, in case you have recently moose-proofed your upper body, be advised that I also own a pretty nifty walrus costume. Or someone surveilling you right this moment owns one, anyway. Whoever that may be.)

I also think your roof gutters could stand a little cleaning.

Ed. Note: They say Mike Corrigan also owns a pretty nifty walrus costume.