By Mike Corrigan

News Columnist

While it’s true that Barack and I go back a long way, I have no idea why the president of the United States is so desperate to meet me for lunch. I guess I’m not worried if Michelle isn’t, but it’s a little hard to comprehend why a man as busy as Barack Obama would be so anxious to fly me out for a burger and chips and some chillin’ conversation. Takes all kinds, I guess.

It’s true, I do have the answer to every problem afflicting America (and that answer is: nationalize Congress). But, I still can’t understand why we need to meet now, so near hunting season. But my old war buddy (Crimean) does sound desperate. Here’s his, like, eighth message this week:

“Michael — This is the last time on this campaign that I’ll ask you: Want to meet for dinner?

You’ve already entered — thank you. Your support so far means a lot. While the other side leans on corporate donors and million-dollar checks, we’re doing this the right way. There’s a seat at the table for everyone in this campaign, no matter what you’re able to give.

Donate $8 or whatever you can today, and be automatically entered again to join me. — Barack”

Didn’t believe me, did you? As you can see, the POTUS and I are on a first-name basis. (When we pass in the hallway, I call him “PO,” he calls me “MO”). Still, I just noticed it’s a contest, really, which strikes me as somewhat unseemly. Also, is it just me, or is there a bit of a threatening tone in that opening? “This is the last time on this campaign that I’ll ask you:…” If you want to invite me to lunch, invite me and be done with it, my man. I mean, I already gave you $8 and God knows what you went and did with it. Probably took someone else out for burgers. That would be just like the government: I find out that there really is a free lunch — only I’m paying for someone else’s. Why am I not surprised?

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When I heard what the outgoing president of Iran had to say to the United Nations last week, I had to laugh. When the president of the world’s most reactionary theocracy is staking out positions to the left of the Republicans and the Democrats in what is supposedly the world’s most open democracy, we must have not only driven the country into the right-hand ditch, but we obviously are trapped down there, wheels-up, smoking and ready to burst into flames.

He should have brought a sign: “We Are the 99%!” I thought the man was going to break into “Kumbayah.” But then I thought, “No, no, ‘Kumbayah’ would be a highly unlikely choice.”

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Maine Governor Paul LePage, who bought most of his tattered political philosophy half-price at Marden’s, grew up on the streets of Lewiston. He is a rough-and-ready guy, one tough hombre, a “straight shooter” — means what he says, mean when he says it.

LePage has never invited me, a homeboy, to lunch. Never. In fact, I don’t think the man even takes lunch. He’s the kind of governor who worries that people might interpret eating as a sign of weakness. Besides, if there’s one hungry child in Maine — and there is — then, by God, the governor can afford to diet a bit, himself.

A lot of people can’t stand LePage and think he’s basically an embarrassment to the State of Maine. A lot of people love him, and think it’s about time that a politician spoke his mind, even if he sounds like a gravel truck dumping off a ton or two when he does it. But this may be the first time in political history that the ideological poles agree about an elected official. Liberals and moderates cringe, conservatives huzzah, but they all agree that Paul LePage says what he thinks.

Mike Corrigan has no idea what he’s talking about. This puts him solidly in the largest majority bloc in America.