My Irish Up: Shazam, you’re rich!

Mike Corrigan

Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan

BN Columnist

It took awhile and I’m sorry about that, but I finally came up with a way to solve the budget deficit and render the “fiscal cliff” moot, and move the sequester along.

The world has yet to see anything that compares with the Corrigan Plan for Individual and National Wealth Building. My plan is so straightforward I can state it in one sentence — but it is of such moment it deserves its own paragraph:

As of today, everyone in America owes everyone else in America $1,000.

You see what I did there, right? You, reader, now have paper assets of — and I want all of you to write this deposit in the old checkbook — $330 billion — and since paper assets represent the only wealth Wall Street deals in, anyway, congratulations on your fortune. My plan does not negate any existing debts, public or private, yet it has created, at one stroke, hundreds of trillions of dollars worth of wealth. And okay, a commensurate debt liability too. But why be negative? — it all balances!

Here’s what we all do: we take our billions and invest them in the stock market, the markets go up whether they deserve to or not, everyone makes money and only then starts paying back everyone else (there being no actual trillions before investments), and that money is reinvested in the stock market, the markets go up, everyone makes money, everyone is paid, the markets go up, money is reinvested, and so on. This is how it’s been done for years by the rich folks — it’s called casino capitalism, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Big Finance — only now you’re included! Downturn over. We all pay our 15% in capital gains taxes, Washington is awash in money, the debt is paid off, everyone buys an extra yacht, and happy days are here again!

Individual citizens are now “too big to fail,” and this is only right since I got this idea from the big banks, which use a slightly different version of the Corrigan Plan for Individual Wealth Building. (You can buy my full plan for $49.95, from Mattel.) What the big banks do is borrow money from other big banks and then lend that money right back out. Pretty soon, the original money has multiplied a hundredfold, kind of like the bread and fishes, only even more awesome.

Because the banks enjoy certain privileges we don’t — for one thing, they never have to say they’re sorry — their system is even more corrupt and borderline insane than the Corrigan Plan. Let’s follow $1,000 (I am simplifying here) through the current banking channels:

Bank A borrows $1,000 and lends it to Bank B. Bank B takes $900 of that and lends it to Bank C. Bank C changes its name to Bank B and considers the debt paid, and then lends the $1,000 again to Bank A. Bank A takes the $1,000 it got when Bank B called itself Bank C, and $1,000 from the other Bank B, and buys $1,800 worth of stock in Bank D, which consolidates with Bank A and then loans $900 to Bank A, which loans $810 of it back to Bank D, which then loans $720 to one of the Bank Bs (it doesn’t matter which one, at this point.) Thousands of these transactions are completed every second. Before you know it, Bank A, Bank B, Bank the Other B, Bank D and A and Bank D have increased their paper assets many times in one day, with more financial growth to come tomorrow, while Bank C, to avoid going bankrupt, hits the taxpayers up for two hundred and twenty-three billion dollars — under this system, that’s nothing — and so C it is saved — which allows all members of its board of directors to grant themselves million dollar bonuses and then take a vacation. It’s the American way.

Pretty sweet. Now, with the Corrigan Plan, you’re in on the deal, too. You’re welcome.

Mike Corrigan has a thousand dollars in pre-Corrigan Plan money in an account with Bank B, but after reading this article he has decided to loan $900 of it to Bank A.