My Irish Up: Bringing home the bacon

By Mike Corrigan

BN Columnist

There is a specter abroad in the land, terrifying in its implications, ominous in its form, telling in what it says about us as a people. I speak, of course, of the Great Bacon Shortage of 2012.

Wait, what’s that? This just in: the president has declared there is no bacon shortage? Hallelujah!

Well, it was exciting while it lasted. For a second, there I thought my daily Humungoburger With Cheese and Bacon and Fries and Cheese and Bacon With Extra Bacon might have to be forgone until the crisis passed, but now I see it’s safe to resume killing myself at my leisure. Porkfat: The Other White Carcinogen. Heart Attack on a Griddle. The Suicide Diet.

I really don’t know if you’re up on this, what with all the excitement about the elections… You know, for president and all? Nov. 6?

Never mind then, back to bacon, something you probably have heard about before. I remember the chill I felt when I read the news on the Internet. It was then I realized that I had forgotten to get dressed that morning. Of course, I should have been suspicious right then, as scientists have yet to be able to confirm the veracity of anything anyone has ever read on the Internet, fully clothed or not. But, I wasn’t on top of my game, my guard was down, my belly was full of bacon and I was slumming. “Bacon Shortage Likely to Grow,” the headline said, a sort of paradox in itself. What’s this? What bacon shortage?

The scoop was, what with the drought (you know, the dry year? in the Midwest?)…

Let’s slow down, then. There was a big drought this year. In the Midwest. That’s the area between the coasts. It didn’t rain much at all out there. That’s what a drought is, okay? Harvests are way down. Including harvests of corn.

I’m going slowly here, for those who don’t understand agriculture as I do. Now corn is important in the raising of pigs, or hogs, as we farmers call them, or “polecats” as they say in the Midwest. Why? Well, if you plant a corncob, as every farmer knows, a piglet springs up a few weeks later. But with corn yields way down, there’s a corncob shortage. Thus, fewer piglets.

I should explain here that bacon comes from pigs. (So does pork, and ham, and creamed corn, completing the life cycle of the corn “boarer.” cf, Cooperative Extension Service.) So: no corncobs, no pigs, no bacon.

Are we clear on this? Okay, let’s proceed.

Wait, you ask, how was the crisis of America’s bacon shortage resolved?

Well, as soon as the White House got wind of this bacon shortage, most likely by reading the Internet in its underwear, a hasty top-level conference was called. By assiduous application of the Patriot Act, and after being thrown in jail for only a few days, I have once again managed to procure the transcript. (Suffer, Sixty Minutes.)

Advisor 1: Mr. President, we have an emergency in the Midwest.

President: I know that. Don’t you think I know that? I’m the president. I was elected from the Great State of Illinois, which happens to be in the Midwest, thank you very much. Though I was born in Hawaii. Frank, show him my birth certificate… See, it says right… there…

Advisor 2: No, Mr. President, this is a new crisis. We’re out of bacon.

President: Good God, man! Out of bacon? No, no, no, no! NO! NO!!!! NO!!! N-

Advisor 1: But Michelle still has her private supply.

President: -o-o… Well, why didn’t you say that first? That means we have time to get this thing under control before the country is torn apart. Ideas?

Advisor 1: I say we should stonewall. We have plausible deniability.

Advisor 2: We could create a diversion, sir. Perhaps a small war with Iran?

President: Advisor 2, you’re fired. Advisor 1, I can run with that. I’ll simply declare that there is no bacon shortage. Who you going to believe, someone who works with corncobs, or the president of the United States?

Advisor 2: There are some who would say…

President: Shut up!

Advisor 1: With this new strategy of denying that any problem whatsoever exists, you’re learning from the Republicans. You’re brilliant, sir.

President: I know.

There’s another hour of self-congratulation on the record, but that’s the gist of it. Then, during the first debate:

President: I would like to announce that there is no bacon shortage.

He Who Must Not Be Named: Under my presidency, I swear that America will never run short of anything. We will have vast and unending supplies of everything, which will be stored in warehouses until people who can afford them decide to pay for them with real cash money.

President: We’ve got cheese, too. A lot of cheese.

Please follow and like us: