Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan

News Columnist

As you may well imagine, I field a lot of questions in the average day, such as, “How many questions does an expert such as yourself field in an average day?” and “Is that your face?” I always try to answer as honestly as I can, although I often refer the queries (no, I don’t have to apologize for that word; look it up)  to someone who actually may have a clue.

Being an expert in so many areas does get taxing, of course, but I do my best to answer all letters, given that the post office says it will start delivering actual mail again come February (but only on Tuesdays). So, dipping into the mailbag for this month:

Q. As you may have heard, Mike, the ancient Mayans have proven that the world is going to end this December, so I’m not sure if I should change my antifreeze or not. What do you think?

A. The ancient Aztecs, on the other hand, predicted that the world is not going to end in December, after all, but instead will end on Jan. 22, 2013, the day after the next president of the United States is inaugurated (depending on whether you’re a Democrat or Republican, and whether or not he is.) This makes your antifreeze question a little trickier, moving us into some of the year’s coldest weather. Flip a coin. (That’s what I am doing right now. It’s a great hobby, and you get to keep the money!)

Q. Whose going to win the election?

A. I see you have made a common grammatical error in your question there. Please rephrase.

Q. Whose gonna win the election?

A. That’s better.

Q. I have this bet with my friend. What is more American: baseball, apple pie or Chevrolet?

A. The following is my Top 10 List of the Most American Things in the World: 1. Writing put-downs and diatribes in ALL CAPS!!! on the Internet. 2. Betting on football. 3. Announcing a renewed War on Drugs and then losing it. 4. “Going with your gut.” 5. Cheating on the diet. 6. The Kardashians. 7. Xenophobia. 8. Cheeseburgers, fries. 9. Complaining about gasoline prices. 10. Sending jobs overseas.

Q. I have a daughter who I will call “Jane.” (Her real name is Annette.) “Jane” has a boyfriend named “Ralph.” “Ralph” has a father who I will call “Joe,” though he always ignores me when I do. “Joe” used to go to school with my husband, who I will call “Preston,” because that is his name, though my private nickname for him, if you know what I mean, is “Bunchykins.” We have a neighbor I will call “Francesca,” who has a daughter, “Loralette,” who is very beautiful, but doesn’t wear socks. What I want to know is, how can I excuse what “Ralph” said? And should I ever invite “Loralette” over again, or just let the matter drop? What would you do in my situation?

A. “Bunchykins”?

Q. If a Republican, an Independent and a Democrat are on one side of a raging river and the only rowboat available will hold just two people at once, but must be rowed by both to make it across, how do all three cross the river safely?

A. The Republican first orders all three into the boat, OSHA regulations be damned. The other two don’t budge. Then, the Republican and the Democrat get in the boat together, claiming they are the only ones who “really count,” anyway. There is a fight, of course, and the Democrat, who is weak on defense, is knocked into the water. The Republican, knowing that doing everything oneself is the only patriotic course, sets out for the other shore alone, but, because he didn’t believe the science on how it takes two to row across, he's surprised to find himself quickly washed downstream. The Democrat and Independent find him an hour later, grounded on a sandbar. They corral the boat, set the Republican in it, tie a rope to the man’s neck, and walk across a nearby government-built bridge together, towing the Republican behind them.

This is the way it’s done in Washington, so it ought to work “in the field,” too.

Mike Corrigan’s life was recently depicted in the far-too-lengthy feature film, “The Master.” But at this point, he can’t remember which character was supposed to be him.