Do you want flies with that?

I’ve spent much of my adult life earning my keep by moving my 10 fingers across a computer keyboard as fast as I can. As in many endeavors involving repetition, limited choices, and too much caffeine, with enough practice, you can get pretty quick.

A few years ago (as many regular readers of this column would attest), I reached the point where I was able to type slightly faster than I could think. If I were a pilot, this would be the equivalent of landing before I took off, which can lead (grammatically speaking) to some strange places.

Adding letters to words, leaving letters off, transposition errors, poor digital registration (fingers on the wrong keys), spoonerisms, and other typographical nonsense can lead to, well, nonsense. Here are some of my favorite gaffs, and their definitions (alphabetized, of course — we wouldn’t want this thing to be disorderly, after all).

Abreviton: the abbreviation for abbreviation.

Bonions: vegetables that grow on your feet.

Catoastrophe: when you drop your breakfast.

Calcullution: the improper disposal of old adding machines.

CDO: the way people with OCD think OCD should be abbreviated.

Clamity: when the bottom drops out of the shellfish market.

Clandestune: when no one knows you’re singing.

Colapse: when you and your spouse both forget your anniversary.

Consteppation: a tightly packed cluster of stars that never moves.

Diarhetoric: talking too much.

Dilemna: Two lemnas.

Disenfrenchize: to give Canadians the cold shoulder.

Disengenius: insincere smart people.

Duplicute: twin girls.

Fibulous: a particularly clever lie.

Flapulance: when butterflies pass gas.

Flashlite: a dim bulb.

Frantastic: it’s going to be great, but you should hurry.

Phoenetically: the way the ancient Canaanites spelled.

Goggle: you meant Google.

Illegiterate: having children before you can read.

Instituition: that creepy feeling that you get when you know your kids want to put you in a nursing home.

Kleptonesia: forgetting that you stole something.

Limpth: to walk with a lisp (or talk with a limp).

Meateorite: pork chops that fall from the sky.

Moriband: the Rolling Stones (okay, even I admit that this one is obscure, but it just cracks me up).

Offsprung: What your kids are after they’ve left home.

Andonandonandon: a 12-step program for people suffering from diarhetoric (see above).

Petrifried: onion rings from the Jurassic period.

Philanthropast: a formerly generous person.

Plite: a small, inconsequential, predicament.

Ploywood: cheap, inferior, laminated lumber.

Procrastinote: A to-do list for next week.

Prevenge: getting back at someone before they’ve done anything to you.

Provalone: eating cheese by yourself.

Recapitulatté: a second cup of expensive coffee.

Rediculous: to be silly, again.

Regreet: what you feel when you meet an unpleasant person for the second time.

Retrofat: what happens when you go off your diet.

Revolition: redundant resolve.

Swump: past tense of swamp.

Taxus: big state often confused with Massachusetts.

Typpo: redundant.

Uncarcerate: letting a guy out of the trunk of your car.

I could go onandon, off course, but I’ve run out of words… or space, anyway. And I feel bad for my editor, who had to deal with this spell-checker’s nightmare — but rest assured, I spelled all the incorrect words correctly. Nonetheless, I apologize for any incontinence.

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