Darkside of the Sun: This week in the news

By Mike Corrigan

BN Columnist

Scientific fact enrages Congress,

field of chemistry is sanctioned

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The International Panel on Climate Change’s recent report, giving civilization less than a century to go without immediate steps to stop overloading the atmosphere and oceans with carbon, met the usual response in Washington yesterday: complete denial of reality.

Spurred once again to inaction, the United States House of Representatives voted 308 to 96 to sanction the science of chemistry, “for repeated violations of Americans' right to remain ignorant.” Also sanctioned, in an amendment: sanity.

“We will de-fund any and all programs and departments that so much as hint that people cannot keep doing what we've been doing to destroy the planet for the past two hundred years or more,” read a statement from the House Committee on Letting Big Corporations Pollute Everything Without Consequences.

“Chemistry is stupid, anyway. I never could keep those Hs and Cs straight, myself,” Rep. Hartley There (R-Wherever) told the press, which reports everything a Congressman says as if it’s true.

“Besides, Obamacare is the only provable threat facing this nation and the civilized world,” Rep. There concluded.

“Look, if global warming was real, surely it would have been mentioned in the Bible,” said someone on the National Mall who looked Congressional, but may only have been one of several million of America’s permanently unemployed.

Smoking guns okay, too

Citing a counter-report from the American Tobacco and Coughing Uncontrollably Institute, Congress affirmed that smoking guns do not cause cancer. “Obamacare causes cancer!” said the House Committee on Saying Things Again and Again, chanting in unison.

More Money Required to Get Citizens

to Vote Correctly Next Time, Court Decides

Money is speech, the Supreme Court affirmed recently — it’s just not free speech.

In their 2010 Citizens United decision, the court ruled that corporations were people and people were commodities. Then, earlier this year, the Court decided there is literally no amount too great that one person can (and should) spend, to buy as many candidates as he has pockets. The old limit used to be $123,000 per person, per election cycle — but this clearly wasn't enough for most Americans, 73% of whom indicated in a recent poll that if their salaries were doubled all of the extra money would go to Congressional campaigns.

Proposed new provisions of the Voters’ Rights (sic) Act will allow elected officials to be bought after they have taken the Oath of Office, in case a wealthy person and/or corporation accidentally bets on the wrong horse's ass. There would be a weekend rush period, after which elected officials may or may not decide to sell their votes to the highest bidder.

“Money has no influence on our representative democracy,” Chief Justice John Roberts insisted in his majority opinion doing away with campaign spending limits. “Like Supreme Court Justices, Congressmen have entirely too much integrity to feel beholden to any individual unwilling to come up with a check for at least a hundred million dollars… That’s ‘R-o-b-e-r-t-s’; one ‘b’.”

The media, which collected over $5 billion in advertising money in the last election cycle, has been unanimous in standing behind the Court’s rulings on campaign finance. “As long as everyone knows all the ads are 100% bald-faced lies anyway, why should we turn down the money?” said an anonymous source (couldn't remember own name) at what used to be a major network. The Wall Street Journal mumbled incoherently in agreement.

Laboratory experiments have proven that too much Mike Corrigan is bad for the environment — yet he keeps on!

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