Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan

BN Columnist

Last week’s confirmation of the instantaneous and rapid expansion of the Universe from a hot point only slightly larger than a lobbyist's sense of ethics, to the vast infinities of vastness we don't see all around us today, due to the low density of good cable connections in the early Universe, has not been explained very well. Consider the reaction that Mark Kamionkowski of Johns Hopkins gave to Scientific American when asked about the significance of the confirmation of the Beginning of It All: “This is huge!” he said. Uh, Mark, we already suspected that. Anything else? “Wow!” Obviously, scientists don’t think even SA can be trusted with too many actual facts.

However, some of us are more forthcoming. I can explain the Big Bang Theory in terms considerably more impressive-sounding than Mark Kamionkowski’s empty babbling. (Are we sure Mark’s even real? And why isn’t it John Hopkins?)

Media (jabbering incomprehensibly, as usual) — Mike, Mike, what does this news mean?

Mike — For one thing, this is basically a confirmation of infinity — which pretty much guarantees that everything that ever could possibly happen has happened somewhere already, and will happen somewhere again.

Media — …confirmation… of… wait a minute — what?

Reporter from NBC (adjusting her hair, speaking to camera) — This is Lucy Lucerne reporting from Lewiston, Maine on the expansion of the Universe, which is not particularly visible around these parts, but hey, show biz. We’re asking the Man on the Street what this news means to the average person. Sir, what does the continuing rapid expansion of the Universe mean to the average person? Are we all going to die?

Mike — Well, the gravitational wave signature indicates the expansion pattern of a plasma of unimaginable density, expand-…

Reporter from FOX, breaking in: Obamacare! Tyrant! Weak! War on Christmas!

Rest of Media (more excited than ever) — Mike, does this therefore prove the existence of Bigfoot? …Mike, where were you when you heard the Universe was expanding? …wrong… news… conference… Can I cancel my current policy now — or is the site still not fixed?

Mike — The specific pattern showing polarization of the residual energy curve imprinted on the cosmic microwave background, surprisingly congruent to a simple sine wave, shows that the Universe began as an infinitesimal dot of incomprehensibly hot plasma doubling in size every nano-nanosecond until leaving a signature…

Reporter from CNN, breaking in — Is there any way we can get a war out of this controversy? Ratings are way, way down.

Mike — Sorry, no time to answer any more questions, as I have to go make water — but look, there's an astrophysicist across the street who I happen to know has lost his job and his house and is now surviving by raiding the dumpsters of the rich people living in the subsidized senior apartments. There’s your real story.

Media (rushing across street): Sir, sir, what do these wavy red thingamabobs in the pictures mean? …comic micro-what background? …rich… poor… people… Obamacare! …have…to…go…make…water… Why did Congress vote that the Big Bang is not true, then? …My hairdresser says it’s not true, and she ought to know…

Scientist — Well, start small, like the Universe itself. Since at the subatomic level we're dealing with questions of probability and natural philosophy more than with the direct observations of experimental science…

Media — …subcutaneous leverage… spearmint seances…

Using technology of his own invention, Mike sent this report to us from the future.