Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan

BN Columnist

It’s never too early to start shopping for Christmas, you know. But, you say, what do you get for the man who has everything?

Whatever you get for me, thank you! You shouldn’t have. Really, I don’t need it. Because isn’t it obvious that the perfect gift for the man who has everything is… nothing?

Just in case you’re still stuck with a greedy man, or child, and with Christmas only five and a half months off, here are some real products you can buy, though God knows why you would:

1. The Kipling Alcatraz II Backpack, “a folding roller with backpack straps and a pocket for your laptop.” This is clearly for the kid who has everything (including rich parents), and now needs someplace to store the stuff. And the best part? It’s only $229. Just. Only. For that price, if the kid flunks out, you can send the backpack to college.

2. The Boosted Board, a battery-powered skateboard with, I guess, front wheel drive or something. Says here you can go 20 miles an hour on the thing, at least until you die. And the best part? The price. $1,995. Just! Only! For a skateboard! Get two!

3. The BabyZen Yoyo Stroller, lightweight and maneuverable. And the best part? The price! Just $399. Only! Your kid will be the envy of all the other neonatal yuppies.

4. The F-Type R Coupe from Jaguar. Just $99,000! Only! Slap a big red ribbon on top of that beauty! Or, buy her a sporty little Ferrari California T for just $198,000.

5. The 998 Independence Day Sneaker, made for J Crew at a factory right here in Maine — which I’m guessing is the last time anyone in Maine was allowed to touch a pair. Just $175! For sneakers! Only! Suitable for bronzing, I guess. Or gold-plating.

6. Sugaree’s Pecan Pie, made with many pecans plus lots of butter and lard, for optimum healthfulness. $40, and cheap at the price. Eat this pie in one sitting and you won’t have to worry about shopping, ever again.

7. You can also buy an authentic 39-foot Viking ship “reproduction” for $540,000. The Viking Ship Museum in Denmark will throw in a pair of oars, free. Now, really, that is one thoughtful gift. You can get a fleet and go conquer England again.

8. The Bison Airlighter is guaranteed to light your charcoal. Or you can just burn the $100 bill and not get the lighter. Your choice.

Well, that ought to get you started… If these items seem a bit pricy, check Reny’s. Just as high quality, not a $300 backpack in the place, and they sell gizmos so unusual there that nobody’s ever figured out what they’re supposed to do.