Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan

BN Columnist

I know, I know. You’re thinking, what’s wrong with Mike, lately? He used to be so full of good ideas. And I’ll admit, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve unveiled a plan to save the world. But — here’s the unvarnished truth — I’m truly discouraged that none of my previous plans have been implemented, nor have they even rated an irate rebuttal from Washington.

Take my plan where every American instantly owes every other American $100,000, thus giving each and every one of us enough money to invest in an already-overheated stock market — raising enough to fully pay back our loans, with everyone keeping the vigorish. That can’t-fail pyramid scheme is still the exclusive program of the super-rich and the top 10%; it’s what they call “investment,” and it has the full backing of the U.S. government. Where’s my money?

And what happened to my idea that every American should declare himself or herself collateral, and then sell off personal “derivatives,” amounting to nine or 10 times actual retail value? Perfectly legal. And brilliant, as usual. But nobody took me up on it. So, the big banks (motto: “Too Big to Jail”) are the only ones profiting from my idea.

And, my scheme for Lake Region towns to share more public services, starting with providing for the common defense? — a nuclear sub for Naples, an antiballistic missile defense system for Bridgton, a tank division for Harrison, and pretty soon we’d have enough firepower to invade freaking Portland — that one also went nowhere. I swear, area town meetings are cutting money for defense, lately, just to spite me.

Well, I could go on. But you can imagine my frustration. Like when I pointed out to politicians, how Washington doesn’t have to promise to provide a chicken in every pot anymore — you just take away people’s pots. (Poor person: “Will you at least leave me an urn to be buried in?” Government — “Hell, no. You’ll go in the mass grave, with the other peasants.”) My idea that state and federal government should be abolished, replaced completely by local control? (Thus, Harrison’s need for that fleet of tanks.) Dead on arrival. And, most galling of all has been the rejection of my observation that domestic terror attacks could best be carried out by domestics — housewives! (God knows, all of them already must have the motive.)

Has anything been done with any of these ideas? Ever? Even once? Am I just talking to the wind here?

One rationale for the inaction came while I was at a poker game. My friend Stan was laughing about something I had written in these columns. And that’s when it hit me. If Stan, one of the smartest people I know, thinks I’m joking, then maybe everyone does. Oh, I know, it is hard to believe that I’m not dead serious, if you read some of these well-thought-out columns. Pulitzer-worthy works of art, clearly. But in the same line, I remember someone else, a few months ago, saying to me, “It’s satire, right?” I thought he was joking.

So, no, it’s not satire. It’s not! Because there is no satire, anymore, in America. Political, cultural and private life is its own satire. Why do you think stand-up comedians just do “observational humor,” these days? They get up there and talk about their kid going to school or about driver’s ed, and everyone goes into hysterics. It’s funny ’cause it’s true, as Homer Simpson once said. By the way, Homer Simpson isn’t satire either. He’s real. You know him.

When “satire” is just looking around yourself and noticing that people are basically insane, why go to the effort of making crazy stuff up? Just write about life.

And so I do.

Satire, schmatire. I’m telling you, if everyone paid more attention to my policy suggestions it would be a better world. So, as penance, I want everyone to raise a standing army, and we’ll meet up at the Portland city limits next Saturday morning at 0800 hours. Also, mail me your $100,000, as your most recent payment is overdue. Do it today.

Mike had us fooled, too. All we can say is, “Sorry for not taking you seriously, Mike, our check’s in the mail!”