Mike Corrigan

By Mike Corrigan
BN Columnist
Waves of heat. Unlivable conditions. Rapidly fluctuating thermals. Finally, the end comes in a flash.
I speak, of course, of spontaneous human combustion, which scientists brush off as fires set accidentally by incapacitated or dying persons, through dropped smoldering cigarettes or other heat sources. Just like scientists, to seek some logical explanation. But how much sense does that theory really make? I prefer to believe in a recent idea advanced by a person who doesn't know anything more than I do about anything, who claims the cases cited in the literature (Midnight Magazine, Hustler) can be accountable to a new type of subatomic particle called the pyrotron.
It’s either the pyrotron, or aliens. Obviously! Or possibly Bigfoot. (Why do you think there are so many forest fires lately? Bigfoot! Spontaneous Bigfoot combustion! Which is why we never find the bodies! Wake up, America!)
A well-documented case in Kentucky in 1934 involved an old man, large quantities of moonshine, a defective still and dynamite. Half the town went up. A person in Wales in 1984 burned to death sitting in a chair and only his feet and hands remained. Some people blame ball lightning for these nasty surprises, but that makes too much sense. There must be an urban legend that can be brought to bear on the causes of SHC. Science can’t explain everything.
Take the case of Michael Faherty of Ballybane, Ireland. In December of 2010, Michael combusted spontaneously while watching an X-Files marathon, and only the floor directly below him and the ceiling directly above were burned. “He became a living wick,” a local fireman explained. “It was as clear a case of spontaneous human combustion as I’ve seen this week.” There you have it. If you can’t trust a local fireman to explain a fire, who can you trust?
Most early cases of SHC were reported in women getting on in years. Superstitious people in those years were blatantly sexist, of course, and put the cause of the phenomenon down to “hot flashes.” How crude and insensitive. More likely aliens were involved, probably starting these severely local fires through some virus concocted on Mars and spread on this planet through swamp gas, thus explaining most of the early UFO reports. There is always a logical explanation for these things, for those with open minds.
The worst part about SHC is that nothing is being done about it. You could go up like a torch tomorrow, and the government doesn't care. The facts are too obvious to ignore and I blame a government cover-up. And what about that skull on Mars? And so close to Halloween, too! Obviously a promotion for some new alien mask. Rocks, NASA says. Rocks! As if there are rocks on other planets! I hope spontaneous rover combustion occurs, and then those people will be forced to admit that the truth is out there.
Mike Corrigan writes from Lewiston, though he teleports in from Jupiter to file his reports.